Book Review: “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn. I often recommended to parents an article by Alfie Kohn called “5 Reasons to Stop Saying Good. Unconditional Parenting has ratings and reviews. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by. 54 quotes from Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason: ‘Even before i had children, I knew that being a parent w.

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He acknowledges that you may have your children’s best interests unconditjonal heart, but wants to clearly state how these methods affect them. Are You Addicted to Distraction? The child comes to see their “whole self” as good only when they please the parent. For this book, that happened first on page It’s a wonderful goal, and a good thing to keep in mind, but it’s. My kids are not perfect little angels all the time or even most of the time and this season has been incredibly tough.

Is there a good reason for your child to feel that way? I stopped reading and started skimming just so I could get my review done. We are not all Upper East Siders who can choose a school for our children that matches our “unconditional” parenting style.

alfi It’s in this same chapter “Love Without Strings Attached” that I felt the real shift from academic psychological survey to parenting self-help. Hopefully you can build a …more I imagine it is helpful with teenagers. To avoid going to the grocery store when it is necessary, or to rearrange my entire life so as to keep children comfortable especially when it is beyond reasonableis doing children a disservice.

A little behaviorism would solve a lot of issues here. Mar 21, Heather rated it did not like it.

You may find when you reflect on this question that some of your present actions are negatively impacting future possibilities. I have a 6-year-old son and a year-old daughter. Very pertinent points, Mary.

Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason by Alfie Kohn

If our love comes with strings attached, than our children will not be able to develop a secure attachment to us, and ultimately to themselves. He has a good point – there’s clearly no one-size-fits-all solution for parenting. You try to be firm but fair, ultimately having to tell your child that they need to be quiet and pay attention to books because it’s bedtime regardless. I still believe in the heart of his theory though, that you should help your children understand that your love is not contingent on their behavior and that being a kind, respectful person hopefully comes from within vs fear of punishment or disapproval.


In the long run, what do I want for my kids? She’s fully potty-trained and was sitting 2 feet from the bathroom at the time.

Doing this with your children both helps to promote this skill in your kids, and is a key characteristic of good parenting! Sep 21, David rated it liked it Recommends it for: Kohn has made a career rallying against behaviorism.

There is some genuinely useful stuff in here — like replacing basic praise with something more inviting for the child to reflect on or explain pages ; like being kind and gentle when you do have to exert your authority and giving space and time to combat passive or angry resistance pages ; like encouraging your child to consider the perspective of others as a way to understand their behavior and your guidance pages — but it comes at the price of cold, impossible positivity devoid of any tether to your own and very real frustrations.

It inspires me to try harder and harder everyday to be a better parent. Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. Before I give you more details on my review, let me give you some of my background. His main points are not about behavior control, though. Infidelity with Janis Abrahms Spring Time outs are a form of love withdrawal, not good. Don’t be in a hurry. Aug 09, Molly Westerman added it Shelves: I kept making Jake listen to paragraphs–the book is so pertinent and practical–it makes you realize how a whole paradigm traditional parenting is totally screwed up and you just never saw it although it did feel wrong a lot of the time.


When we overpraise our children, we further create children who are compliant versus caring. That all being said, I think I agree with him. I study behavior and psychology as a hobby as well as use it in my freelance writing career.

35: Happy Kids, Better Relationship: Unconditional Parenting with Alfie Kohn

I just said, “You did it” so they unconditionl know that I saw and I cared, but also so they could feel proud of themselves. I’m parentinv to a PhD in Philosophy.

To be fair, I already practice a lot of what Kohn promotes. Integration Time with Neil Sattin It’s not necessary to evaluate kids in order to encourage them.

If they’re old enough to understand loving support, they’re old enough to understand what bothers people and to not do it on purpose. The bottom line is that raising kids is not for whimps.

It moved me so much that I bought my own copy.

Happy Kids, Better Relationship: Unconditional Parenting with Alfie Kohn – Neil

They are the natural course of life, and kids need to know that. I’m not sure Kohn would agree with this view. It’s all the more convincing because Kohn doesn’t present a step-by-step rulebook or an answer to every question. There is much to say about this book, but I will sum up: Do you want them to develop into adults who are happy, ethical, caring, compassionate, self-reliant, creative, or have other qualities?

You smile sympathetically and agree that it’s hard to resist something so yummy — and that we don’t eat treats before dinner.

Remember to see things from the child’s perspective Second, apologizing takes you off of your perfect parent pedestal and remind them that you’re fallible. Hell, let me tell you some of the shit my kid did