How to stop being jealous and possessive in a relationship

7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships

how to stop being jealous and possessive in a relationship

Being possessive can ruin a relationship, but it's an easy attitude to might feel possessive, including having trust issues, being jealous. When it comes to coping with feelings of jealousy or insecurity, couples So how can you stop the possessive patterns in your relationship?. You can stop being possessive by improving your life in areas outside the relationship as well as dealing with the underlying insecurity and jealousy.

There are many subtle and not-so-subtle ways people attempt to control relationship partners as a means to calm their own emotions. In fact, attempts to exercise power over our partners actually serve to reduce and diminish our own attraction to them.

When we try to control someone close to us, we limit them in ways that make them less themselves.


We want our partners and ourselves for that matter to be fulfilled, well-rounded individuals who are fully alive. When we make our partner feel guilty for choosing to spend time with friends, for example, we actually shrink their world. Otherwise, we take the air and life out of the relationship. So how can you stop the possessive patterns in your relationship? The first step is to understand why you engage in controlling behavior, and the second step is to deal with the underlying feelings that drive you toward an unequal dynamic.

Most of us have some degree of fear and insecurity surrounding our close relationships. These feelings can spring from deeper struggles we have with trust, low self-esteem, fears of rejection, loss or intimacy itself. These deep-seated emotions can lead to a desire to control. Instead of exploring where these feelings come from, we tend to project them onto our partner and start acting out controlling behaviors that we hope will alleviate these painful feelings.

For example, we may on some core level feel unlovable or like no one would ever choose us. This negative self-concept can lead us to act out all kinds of jealous or insecure behaviors with our partner. We may act victimized and wounded by any comment or action that we can construe as disregarding or rejecting. All of these behavior patterns have a lot more to do with us than our partner.

And most of them have deep roots in our past. As children, we developed strategies or defenses in an effort to protect ourselves from difficult or painful conditions.

how to stop being jealous and possessive in a relationship

Flirting with other men or women all the time in front of your partner; constantly saying how attractive, fun, and witty someone you work with is; and going out of your way to talk about past lovers just demeans you and won't make either of you feel better in the long run. This isn't to say you have to pretend that no other attractive people exist in the world, but you can acknowledge this without using it as relationship ammunition.

If your partner is ever unfaithful to you, that is a reflection of them, not you; and if this were to occur, it's better that they don't have the 'ammo' to turn around and say: Because you were always flirting outrageously with the auto repair man girl who works in the bar The imagination is great Stephen King has a stellar career from making stuff up and writing about it.

But he distances himself thankfully for him!

7 Tips for Overcoming Jealousy in Relationships

He doesn't believe everything he writes is real just because he imagined it. Right now, I can imagine an alien invasion headed right towards Earth. I can vividly 'see' the pesky aliens about to land the mother ship in my local park, but I don't believe it.

Stop trusting your imagination so much. Your partner is home later than you thought they were going to be. You start to imagine them having an intimate drink with that handsome guy you saw working in her office or that luscious sister of his new gym partner you happened to see one time. You become angry, upset, frightened - without having any evidence that what you imagined is real.

They come home and you react 'weirdly' by being very cold or you have an outburst of anger toward them. They become defensive and angry back in turn. I recall seeing a YouTube video of a dog becoming very angry - with its own leg. The more its leg moved, the angrier it got with it - not realizing that it, the dog, was moving the leg. We laugh when we see a dog do this, but psychologically people do a variation of this all the time.

When you stop getting emotional just because you've imagined something, you'll take a hefty step toward regaining control of that jealousy. Start relaxing with lengthening the 'leash'. If your partner wants to spend the weekend with his or her friends, let them.

how to stop being jealous and possessive in a relationship

Keeping them 'imprisoned' will only build their desire to escape your possessiveness. Let them have their freedom and no, this is not the same as letting them walk all over you. If you are out with them, let them chat to their attractive colleague bearing in mind that they may not find their colleague as attractive as you imagine.

Be Mine: Dealing with Possessiveness in a Relationship - PsychAlive

If you suspect your partner is trying to make you jealous, then short circuit this by relaxing about it; but how? Close your eyes and relax. Now think about the type of scenario that makes you the most jealous. Is it knowing your partner is out and you imagining them with someone else? Is it seeing them talking and laughing with someone else? Now, breathing deeply and focusing on relaxing different parts of your body in turn, just imagine seeing yourself looking calm, relaxed, even disinterested in that type of situation.

Because ultimately in life we only have ourselves to answer to, and you can only truly control yourself. Visualize your partner doing all the things that made you feel jealous and see yourself not responding with jealousy, but rather with calm detachment. That is jealousy, because in your mind your girl has already decided to leave you and hook up with him.

You perceive her as being not with you, but with him and so you want something that he has. It is this fear that causes you to be possessive. You are so afraid of her leaving that when she is innocently talking to another guy this makes you assume she has decided to ditch you for him. Your irrational logic makes you hold on tight and control her behavior because you hope to avoid a situation her talking to other men that might give rise to jealous feelings.

The answer to this is to learn to overcome the jealous feelings. Allow your girl to lead her own life freely, including being out in the big wide world outside your influence and control. Don't see this as a challenge, a threat or a loss. If you can get comfortable with not knowing where she is or who she is with and actually trust her, it will remove the need to be possessive. Instead of feeling like she is always looking for any excuse to ditch you, you will know that you can let her go and she will come back.

Learn How To Trust Think of trust as a muscle. It will be weak if you don't exercise it and it will become stronger if you do. You can't learn how to trust unless you actually do it.

How To Stop Being A Possessive Boyfriend

Experience the feeling of letting go and of nothing bad happening. Not being in control will perhaps be uncomfortable. But that's the point. Trust puts you in a vulnerable position where you don't know what is going on.

The aim isn't to remove the uncertainty. Rather it is to learn to live with it. The theory being that if you don't find anything untoward then you can relax. But it never makes you relax does it? It gives a temporary hit of relief before the anxious waves start flooding back again. Spying is like a drug and you are an addict. If you do this you need to quit and go cold turkey. You can't truly trust someone if you have to check up on them.

In the Cold War, President Reagan used to say "trust but verify. You girlfriend is not your enemy so you need to learn to trust without verification. Get over that addiction. Have An Open Conversation About Your Possessive Behavior No doubt if you have been possessive and controlling your girlfriend has felt it and thought about it.

how to stop being jealous and possessive in a relationship

She has probably talked about it to her friends, or her mother or someone else because she feels she can't talk to you. If you are truly committed to getting this under control then you should have a good long conversation about it with her.

This isn't so you can tell her how her legitimate behavior makes you feel possessive and jealous and ask her to stop. It's not for you to justify yourself. It's so she can tell you how your behavior makes her feel and so you can figure a way to work through it together. If she is willing to support you it will be good for you to have her as an accountability buddy.

Try really really hard to push that palm tree out of your mind. It doesn't work does it.