My Boyfriend Sabotaged Our Relationship, So - kinenbicounter.info Community Forums
Any time I find someone to love and my ex finds out about it, she That relationship did not work and we parted ways but I supported the baby and I continue to do so to date. She is sabotaging your life because you have allowed her to do so. Involve the law (children's department or court) in this. So, my answer is DON'T tolerate the ex, if your boundaries are being crossed. stated that she's trying to sabotage the relationship, the Ex probably views how not-cool this is, or even if he does, he's not going to act on that. Don't let these sneaky behaviors torpedo your marriage. 40 Signs You Might be Self-Sabotaging Your Relationship .. So when things go well, the person will act in a way that makes the relationship difficult. They may stop.
We met about a year ago and immediately became inseparable. Our relationship was very passionate, both physically and emotionally. In fact, he was so into me at first that it almost freaked me out The main reason is that, lacking a strong sense of who they are, they emulate the personality of the person they are infatuated with. This mirroring process is so nearly perfect that the two of you will both be convinced you've met your soul mates.
And, because a BPDer typically idealizes you during this infatuation period, he truly believes you are nearly perfect.
Whose Fault is It? How Blame Sabotages Relationships
This is why his two great fears -- engulfment and abandonment -- are suspended and held at bay until the infatuation evaporates a few months later. A few months passed and I began to notice a change in him.
Like HomeBrew said, you started seeing the real guy at this point. When the infatuation evaporates, the BPDer's twin fears return.
Hence, as you draw near to him, you will trigger his great fear of engulfment, making him feel like he is being swallowed up into your strong personality. He therefore will push you away by creating an argument over nothing at all.
Yet, as you back off to give him breathing space, you will trigger his other great fear, abandonment. This is why a few days or weeks later he will start reeling you back into the relationship by being extra caring and loving. As you draw back closer, however, the cycle will resume anew. Sadly, there is no Goldilocks position midway between "too close" and "too far away" where you can avoid triggering both of the fears.
I can confidently say that after having searched for it for 15 years with my exW -- to no avail. Hence, this push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle is a hallmark of having strong BPD traits. Just when I felt that I couldn't be any closer to him, he would pick some sort of a fight with me that wouldn't make any sense. Yes, a BPDer typically behaves the very worst immediately after the best of times, e.
The intimacy, which he craves, makes him feel very frightened, as though he is evaporating into thin air -- losing himself in your strong personality. Sadly, he is fearful of the intimacy he so badly craves.
Yes, I know -- such a paradox i. But we can often gain some understanding of paradoxes by finding a poetic reference to them using terms and concepts we already understand.
Fortunately, a member of another forum provided a poetic description I found helpful. He wrote, "When a BPDer talks about intimacy, it's like a vampire talking about sunrise: The act of loving him hurts him as much as it helps him. Hence, trying to help a BPDer by loving him is like trying to help a burn patient by hugging him.
Why We Sabotage Relationships With People Who Treat Us Well - mindbodygreen
After an irrational, drunken episode that threw me for a loop, he spent the next day apologizing profusely. As you saw when he gave up the alcohol for a while, his rapid flipping from adoring you to devaluing you continued even when he was not drunk. These "flips" typically occur in less than a minute, often taking only 10 seconds to occur.
This behavior is called all-or-nothing thinking. This black-white thinking is most evident in the BPDer's action of categorizing everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and in his ability to recategorize someone from one polar extreme love you to the other hate you in a few seconds based solely on a casual remark or minor infraction.
He told me once before that he sort of pushed his first girlfriend away for reasons that he didn't quite understand. He likely was telling you the truth. He doesn't understand it.
Having strong BPD traits is ego-syntonic, i. This is why it is rare for high functioning BPDers to have sufficient self awareness to see their own strong BPD traits. Moreover, even when they do, they often lack the ego strength to be willing to admit it to themselves. To protect that fragile ego, a BPDer does projection, i. This is why you likely should not tell him you suspect he has strong BPD traits.
He almost certainly will project it back onto you. Nothing I do is right.
How to Stay Out of Blame I helped Joan and Andrew get curious about how they were caught, and their conversations changed. As Andrew started to realize how much he mattered to Joan, they talked more. They found more comfort in each other. There are many ways to step out of the blame cycle. Some of the things I helped Joan and Andrew do were to own a small part of the problem, get comfortable with apologies, and ask oneself challenging questions.
Own some part of the problem. When you feel criticized, take a few minutes to acknowledge your part of the problem, however small. An apology can be incredibly effective and disarming.
There is more room for conversation, feelings, new ideas. Ask yourself challenging questions. Maybe she will listen. The next time you feel stuck in a conversation, try asking yourself these questions. They can help you change your perspective, step out of the infinite negative loop, and take a new kind of action.
Below are some challenging questions to use as a guide: Can I talk about my own experience without blaming my partner? Can I let go of the need to be right?
Let us accept our own responsibility for the future.